I’m lucky enough to live within a 10-minute car ride of two drive-in movie theaters. They’re both owned by the same people, play 50′s intermission reels in between each film, and have snackbar shacks that haven’t changed since the ’80s. (Undercooked fries that are all texture and no taste? Check. Nacho cheese sauce pumped out of a can? Check. Space Invaders? CHECK!) The one concession they’ve made is that the sound comes in over the car radio instead of those weird window-hazard hooked speakers, which is a definite improvement. And it’s $7 per person for two movies. In short, the drive-in rocks, and I usually go to each once a week while they’re open for the season. I don’t even particularly care what’s playing, because going is so much fun that it’s hard to have a bad time, even if whatever’s showing isn’t that great.

On the night in question, seeing 28 Weeks Later was my primary goal, but Firehouse Dog [trailer here] was the opener. I wasn’t really interested in seeing it—it’s a schlocky pre-teen story that’s been re-hashed many, many times, from Herbie to The Dirtbike Kid to Mac And Me—but how bad could it be? It’s at the drive-in!

There were no surprises in Firehouse Dog, but it was harmless, and I actually laughed at a few points. But really, it’s a piece of shit that I wouldn’t waste time on had it not been for the viewing environment.

But isn’t this supposed to be about 28 Weeks Later? What’s with all this crap about Firehouse Dog and the drive-in? I literally enjoyed Firehouse Dog about 28 hundred times more than 28 Weeks Later. It was that bad.

Of course you don’t go to see either troubled-pre-teen-gets-back-on-track or zombie movies expecting much new; they’re well-traveled roads. So why do we keep watching zombie movies, even though we all know the plot? I go for the style and flair of the production team, humor, gore, and to occasionally be made to crap my pants with fear. Does 28 Weeks Later deliver on any of these points? It does not.

Style and flair: what style and flair? The opening sequence abuses the over-cranked effect to the point where it’s literally unfollowable. It looks like Oliver Stone playing with a new toy: gratuitous and pointless, to the point where it obscures conveying any message other than “look I’m so cool because I got this post-processing plugin for Avid, i r t3h 4\/\/350|\/|3″ to the audience. From the script, to production design, to cinematography, to editing, the production as a whole said nothing worth hearing to me.

Gore: there was plenty of blood, but I was unable to enjoy it, again, because the film took itself too seriously.

Humor: there was none (other than they got my money, joke’s on me). It took itself too seriously and ended up in that no-man’s-land of not cheesy enough to be outright funny and not over-the-top enough to be ironically funny. Not every zombie flick can be Shaun of the Dead, but this was just completely flat.

Pants-shitting: again, zombie movies are extremely predictable in general terms, but most manage to pack some startling moments in. This was so predictable on a shot-by-shot level that nothing was jarring in any way.

I have seen this movie called “smart”. Something being dystopian or cynical about institutional power structures doesn’t mean it’s smart (it’s just less stupid than blind trust) or that it makes for good entertainment. I found nothing particularly smart or insightful about the movie. Wow, the military might kill innocent people? Good thing I’m already sitting down, because I might have otherwise been knocked over from the awesome power of that revelation shocking my system out of balance.

My friend Jonathan (who hasn’t seen it) thought they should have made a prequel to the original 28 Days Later. I agree. They would have had the story space to actually be dark, scary, cynical, and smart, and could have actually been a good bit of dystopian social commentary.

The fact that I am not a movie snob seems relevant. I’m very aware of the distinction between films being good and being enjoyable. Most of my favorites—TerrorVision, Ghostbusters, My Cousin Vinnie, Gotcha!, La Bamba, and yes, The Dirtbike Kid—suck in absolute terms. I don’t need high art to have a good time. This, however, is a phoned-in, paint-by-numbers atrocity that’s unworthy of being called a zombie flick. Save your money, Firehouse Dog is a much better bet.