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Something weird is going on…
Obvious Zombie   |  

I don’t know what’s going on, but I heard what I thought was an explosion down my street this morning. But oddly there doesn’t seem to be anyone out walking on my normally busy avenue. Has anyone else noticed anything strange today?

Obvious


WTF?

So I got dressed and ready for work, threw my bag over my shoulder and headed to the elevator train across the avenue. As usual, as I’m passing my neighbors house and I hear the mutt next door, Girt, barking at my approach. She’s out in the yard yapping up a bit more than her usual storm. I didn’t see her owner Jayson though. Weird. he’s usually out there sitting out on the stoop waiting for Girt to drop her morning *package*. I noticed what looked like a badger or rather, part of a badger, laying dead in his yard and figured this was the cause of Girts commotion.

Whatever :/

When I get to the train station, it’s empty. I’m thinking, “WTF?”, but without the initials. Then it hits me. I must’ve done it again–gotten my ass up for work, headed out to the train, and it’s fucking Saturday! Everyone else is home asleep, or watching cartoons or whatever, and my dumb ass gets up like it was frakin’ hump day and I was needed at the quarry. Yeah, I’m retarded like that.

So I’m walking back down my block. I see Jayson now. He’s bent over on the curb of the sidewalk picking at something. That’s when I first noticed the fire. The pastor’s quarters of St. Martin is in flames. As I’m grabbing the cellphone out of my breast pocket to dial 911, I’m knocked down from behind.

My irate self mutters, “What the FUCK! Asshole!” and as I turned myself over, horror washed over me. Cold realization, my bitches. “Fuck me in the ear!’

Zombies…


ThiNK…

My first thought, after the piss and all, is that I’ve read the Zombie Survival Guide, so I’m ready, right? I press my legs upward like I’ve done at the gym a million times. I realize that it’s Jayson’s, ahem, boyfriend Larry that I’ve just sent sailing over into the yard.

Ok… get up, get UP! Don’t let them get in no bites, no scratches… Run RUN. Shitballs! I’m huffing it down the block.. where the fuck am I going?!

Passing Jay, all hunched over. Now I see it. He’s half in the street… chomping oh Girt. Ugggghhhhhsss, paaaallezzesss! I DID NOT need to see that.

Think. Zombie Guide. Everything was cool when I went to bed. So what’s going on, Class 2 outbreak? I’m hoping Class 2… that’s only a few Zombies. Can’t have spread that far that fast, right? Ok, step one–get indoors. Find a good stationary location. Don’t wanna be on the run in the middle of an outbreak!

I’m heading back home, locking the doors, grabbing some zombie appropriate weaponry(?), and turning on the TV…


Bigger than Elvis…

TV didn’t make me feel any better. Classic emergency broadcast signal you’ve seen in every freakin’ zombie horror movie. Got my japanese sword and arabic dagger in my lap. Ready for, yaknow, whatever. They feel no fear, why should you? and Blades don’t need reloading. That’s pretty much all I can remember from the *Guide* right now. That and the fact that this looks like it’s way beyond a Class 2 outbreak. There’s still power, so that’s a good sign.

My RSS feed is pretty much going insane right now. Looks like every blogger I’ve ever known are all writing at once! My Elves are Different seems to know a lot more about this than I do.. and D1sc0r0b0t apparently has a driveway full of ‘em. Shit, even the chaps over at SF Signal are in the midst of some serious shit right now.

Awesome! Phone’s dead. Well, thank GoD for broadband and skype. Who’s the beta-tester now, bitches?

No answer… from anyone.

Great… just great.


… don’t panic

I can hear them outside. Some kind commenter named Evan sent me a link to some survival tips. Thanks man! Skimming it makes me wish I had a Shaolin spade or a crossbow. I’m prepping some tossing Mollies (an awful waste for twenty year-old scotch!) and getting ready for a quick run up to the roof to get a better idea just how bad my neighborhood really is.

I’ll get an updated out when I get up there–thanks to you, Airport Extreme!

-Obvious


What we have here is your basic Zombie Armageddon

Yep, it’s here alright. Z-Day, Zombpocolypse, whatever… just what I’ve been telling you people was coming for a long time now. Dead jumping up and having a walkabout, living running around like chickens with their heads on the block, bodies doing a jig. I was mentally prepared for this, but of course, I’ve been caught with my pants down as far as gear and goods.

I can see for a good mile in each direction from my roof, and everywhere I look all I see bits of random violence and general chaos. It’s pretty difficult to get up here — fifth floor utility closet with a rusty ladder that leads to the roof — so I’m sure I’ll be ok up here for a bit.

Half the town seems to be in flames. What the fuck is up with that? I mean, you know a zombie didn’t start the fires, right? God damn idiots must be tring to burn them do death or something… haven’t they ever seen a zombie movie. Need to destroy the brain, sever the head somehow, or just place a bullet through the noggin. Blazing one of ‘em up is like saying, ‘please, set everything in the entire vicinity on fire. I’ll wait.’

…grr

Damn, I’m tired


Chapter 7: In which our hero makes a stupid decision

I feel a little queasy and I’m getting hungry. Usually would have had breakfast and lunch by now. Yeah, been a little preoccupied, I know. Think I’m gonna have to brave a run to the corner bodega for some vittles.

Wish me luck!

Obvious


Obvious Becomes…

Yeah, I don’t know who I was trying to kid. When my neighbor’s buddy jumped me this morning, sure I got away, but not without few scrapes. I tried to tell myself that I skinned my knee on the concrete and maybe caught my arm a fence as I was fleeing, but what’s the point of bullshitting myself? I’m infected and I know it.

My street is quiet now, and when I got to the bodega it was empty. I grabbed a bunch of tender bits off the shelves and I was so hungry that I ripped open a few bags of chips and such and gorged myself on the spot. Here’s the thing though, no matter how much I ate, I stayed hungry.

Yeah, they got me. Fuckers!

I’m fairly certain in a few hours I’m gonna be playing for the other team, if you know what I mean. I’m gonna try and make a concerted effort to keep a log of my transformation, for scientific purposes.

Obvious… soon to be Zombie.


How it was always meant to be

Yeah, I’m starting to crave flesh now. Let me tell you, it’s a very odd craving for someone who’s been Vegan for almost two years to suddenly have. Pretty sure that I’m not gonna be able to resist it for much longer. Feeling tired and cold, but otherwise content. Gonna go back downstairs to my condo and maybe play a few games of Endless Zombie Rampage… fuck it. I’m okay with the irony. You should be too.

Oh, while I was contemplating my inevitable demise, I put together a little zombie-related rundown for y’all.

Enjoy it while you still have the capacity to feel…

Obvious

  • kris

    Huh?

  • evan

    Finally, now my arsenal of weapons can be used for more than just target practice, bring on the zombies!

    are they classical slow dumb zombies or the fast crazed virus infected 28 days later kind?

  • http://dave3.com Obvious Zombie

    From what I’ve seen, they’re pretty slow moving. After I kicked that dude off me, I was able to get back to my house without any real problem.

    The question now is, what the fuck do I do now that I’m home?

  • evan

    continue to gather supplies, baracade the place up, search for other people?

    refresher read of THE guide
    http://www.scribd.com/doc/62988/Zombie-Survival-Guide
    u can download the PDF on the right side…

    good luck man.

  • http://dave3.com Obvious Zombie

    Thanks Evan! I think I’m gonna go up on the roof of my complex to get a better look.

  • gzabaro

    World War Z is here!

  • Slow Moe

    Duck and cover.

    Man, I don’t know why I think it’s so funny. Can’t stop laughing.

    My finger doesn’t bleed anymore and it doesn’t look infected. A good sign, right? I don’t even remember how I nicked the tip of that useless wedding-ring holder, and now that tiny cut is scaring me shitless.
    What if?

    How long before power goes down again? I’ve had an on-&-off situation going on for the last three hours. I need more information on the situation and nothing helps except for a few bloggers like you guys. I don’t know how much time is left for me to gather as much intel as possible.

    I filled my bathtub and every possible container with water. I stored loads of canned goods. I have a .22 rifle, fifty-something dusty bullets. A meat cleaver. Baseball bat. A rusty lead pipe I kept for some obscure reason. I’ve got plenty of band-aids for my stupid finger. I’ve got an old oak desk under which I can duck and cover in case of a nuclear disaster. Plenty of room underneath it, even for my daughter and my illusions of safety.

    I still can’t stop laughing. My daughter’s not finding any humor in this. I think she doubts my sanity and she’s preparing for the worst.

    Good girl.

    The neighbors’ dog isn’t barking anymore.

  • Arti

    Spooky!

  • evan

    man that cuts not good, if previous report cases, as far as we can tell, there appears to be no infection when someone is bite. im sorry man, but if this was caused by an attack, it might be too late for you slow moe. if you start to run a fever, for your daughters sake, it may be best for you to swallow a bullet. good luck, hopefully its just a cut from something else…

  • http://thetrenchcoat.com/ SM

    The people calling for use of nukes was just some guy who called in on the radio….
    no real worries about that

    yet…

  • http://dave3.com Obvious Zombie

    Thanks for the update! I sure hope it doesn’t come to that, I’ve grown attached to the non-nuclear holocaustic world we live in now. But, I’ve gotta get something to eat… I’ll be back… shit, I shouldn’t have said that.

  • Slow Moe

    How much time does it take for fever to set in after such a small cut? Any idea? I mean, I feel feverish, but who doesn’t right now?

    Typing with half an inch thick of band-aids on your finger makes the whole process awkward. I know it’s absurd given the situation, but it still bothers me.

    If I’m… You know, “infected”… I’ll know what to do. But what about my daughter? She’s a clever, tough cookie but she’s still just a kid.

    She says “aim for the head”. What do they teach kids at school nowadays, Romero Class 101?

    Fuck.
    I cry when I laugh now.

  • evan

    according to the precationary guide called World War Z, infections general produce a fever, coma, then reanimation with a day, but there have be reports of so called “slow burn” cases that had taken up to a week. Granted thats when a very tiny amount of the virus was taken into the body and wasnt passed into the bloodstream. it took time for it to work into the blood stream, and then the typical results happened.

  • http://ahren-sievers.blogspot.com Ahren

    Glad to see you’re okay! Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know how you feel though. Up here on the roof seemed like a great idea, but now I’m hot, bored and getting really hungry. The stuff in the staff refrigerator was pretty nasty.

    Most of all I wish I had some booze.

  • http://bluemoonrising.com/ Jeff

    I’ll be out playing in traffic shortly. I hope I don’t get the opportunity to find out first hand how this pandemic spreads. Best of luck to everyone still breathing!

  • http://www.myspace.com/manic_rage Manic_Rage

    Have you ever considered chain-mail?

    It’s bulky, but before the transformation is complete you would have a better chance to slay the undead for a while.

    Their dead fleshy teeth/gums should not be able to penetrate.

  • http://blogzarro.com Jimzarro

    Sounds a lot like my commute this morning. Was this the D train by any chance, because that line is always fucked?!

  • Slow Moe

    Even though I’m worried, I can’t help but hope that this is just a minor scratch. I can’t leave my little girl, I can’t imagine what would happen to her. I can’t talk about this with her either.

    Just one day before the infection takes hold of me?

    Shit, it’s so frustratingly confused in my head right now. So fucking ironic it’s my wedding ring finger that got… You know. I’m divorced.

    I try to recall what happened…

    That damn dog woke me up again, and shortly afterwards, while I was brewing coffee and maudlin about that damn electricity playing with my nerves (just let me have my damn coffee then you can go down for good!), I heard some shuffling/scratching at the front door.

    Again, the neighbors left their scrawny dog alone and unleashed so it wants in. That pooch is clueless. Can’t ever tell the difference between my house and its own. Malnutrition must have fried its poor brains. Or maybe it just knows my daughter’s back from her mom’s house.

    My daughter (Virginia, 11 years old) feeds the dog breakfast scraps whenever he stops by. She’s so caring towards animals.
    So I opened the door as usual.
    Yeah you guessed it, it wasn’t Barky.

    I don’t remember all of what happened but V tells me a grinning man bleeding profusely was standing on our doorstep, almost motionless (she used “profusely” and she’s eleven. I wish I was half as smart as her). She says I stared at him for a second, as still as he was. Suddenly, his arms jerked up in an erratic mechanical motion and I immediately slammed the door on one of his wrists. I pushed on the door like a madman. V tells me the man wasn’t screaming but moaning incessantly, frenetically and uselessly clawing at the air near my face. Anyway, it’s all a blur. I miraculously managed to close the door and that’s all that matters right now.

    I remember a few things actually: the color of the oozing fluids covering the man’s torn clothes. Too dark to be blood.

    Also while I was gasping for air, leaning against the recently closed door, V said something with all the seriousness of the world in her young innocent face.

    Zombie.

    They don’t even use the word on TV.
    Kids say the darndest things.

    He wasn’t grinning.
    The man had no cheeks to cover his bare teeth.

    It only takes one day.
    I don’t feel so good.

  • evan

    I enjoyed this, neat idea. kind of like a war of the worlds type thing on a blog instead of the radio, and on a better subject too, zombies! :)

  • Slow Moe

    Yup, so did I.
    Neat idea indeed.
    I felt the presence of Welles looming over our shoulders, saying it was all done wrong and his version would have been much better…
    But it was great anyway.

  • James

    Neosporin?

    Wouldn’t want to get an infection….

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