I don’t know what’s going on, but I heard what I thought was an explosion down my street this morning. But oddly there doesn’t seem to be anyone out walking on my normally busy avenue. Has anyone else noticed anything strange today?
So I got dressed and ready for work, threw my bag over my shoulder and headed to the elevator train across the avenue. As usual, as I’m passing my neighbors house and I hear the mutt next door, Girt, barking at my approach. She’s out in the yard yapping up a bit more than her usual storm. I didn’t see her owner Jayson though. Weird. he’s usually out there sitting out on the stoop waiting for Girt to drop her morning *package*. I noticed what looked like a badger or rather, part of a badger, laying dead in his yard and figured this was the cause of Girts commotion.
When I get to the train station, it’s empty. I’m thinking, “WTF?”, but without the initials. Then it hits me. I must’ve done it again–gotten my ass up for work, headed out to the train, and it’s fucking Saturday! Everyone else is home asleep, or watching cartoons or whatever, and my dumb ass gets up like it was frakin’ hump day and I was needed at the quarry. Yeah, I’m retarded like that.
So I’m walking back down my block. I see Jayson now. He’s bent over on the curb of the sidewalk picking at something. That’s when I first noticed the fire. The pastor’s quarters of St. Martin is in flames. As I’m grabbing the cellphone out of my breast pocket to dial 911, I’m knocked down from behind.
My irate self mutters, “What the FUCK! Asshole!” and as I turned myself over, horror washed over me. Cold realization, my bitches. “Fuck me in the ear!’
My first thought, after the piss and all, is that I’ve read the Zombie Survival Guide, so I’m ready, right? I press my legs upward like I’ve done at the gym a million times. I realize that it’s Jayson’s, ahem, boyfriend Larry that I’ve just sent sailing over into the yard.
Ok… get up, get UP! Don’t let them get in no bites, no scratches… Run RUN. Shitballs! I’m huffing it down the block.. where the fuck am I going?!
Passing Jay, all hunched over. Now I see it. He’s half in the street… chomping oh Girt. Ugggghhhhhsss, paaaallezzesss! I DID NOT need to see that.
Think. Zombie Guide. Everything was cool when I went to bed. So what’s going on, Class 2 outbreak? I’m hoping Class 2… that’s only a few Zombies. Can’t have spread that far that fast, right? Ok, step one–get indoors. Find a good stationary location. Don’t wanna be on the run in the middle of an outbreak!
I’m heading back home, locking the doors, grabbing some zombie appropriate weaponry(?), and turning on the TV…
Bigger than Elvis…
TV didn’t make me feel any better. Classic emergency broadcast signal you’ve seen in every freakin’ zombie horror movie. Got my japanese sword and arabic dagger in my lap. Ready for, yaknow, whatever. They feel no fear, why should you? and Blades don’t need reloading. That’s pretty much all I can remember from the *Guide* right now. That and the fact that this looks like it’s way beyond a Class 2 outbreak. There’s still power, so that’s a good sign.
My RSS feed is pretty much going insane right now. Looks like every blogger I’ve ever known are all writing at once! My Elves are Different seems to know a lot more about this than I do.. and D1sc0r0b0t apparently has a driveway full of ‘em. Shit, even the chaps over at SF Signal are in the midst of some serious shit right now.
Awesome! Phone’s dead. Well, thank GoD for broadband and skype. Who’s the beta-tester now, bitches?
No answer… from anyone.
Great… just great.
… don’t panic
I can hear them outside. Some kind commenter named Evan sent me a link to some survival tips. Thanks man! Skimming it makes me wish I had a Shaolin spade or a crossbow. I’m prepping some tossing Mollies (an awful waste for twenty year-old scotch!) and getting ready for a quick run up to the roof to get a better idea just how bad my neighborhood really is.
I’ll get an updated out when I get up there–thanks to you, Airport Extreme!
What we have here is your basic Zombie Armageddon
Yep, it’s here alright. Z-Day, Zombpocolypse, whatever… just what I’ve been telling you people was coming for a long time now. Dead jumping up and having a walkabout, living running around like chickens with their heads on the block, bodies doing a jig. I was mentally prepared for this, but of course, I’ve been caught with my pants down as far as gear and goods.
I can see for a good mile in each direction from my roof, and everywhere I look all I see bits of random violence and general chaos. It’s pretty difficult to get up here — fifth floor utility closet with a rusty ladder that leads to the roof — so I’m sure I’ll be ok up here for a bit.
Half the town seems to be in flames. What the fuck is up with that? I mean, you know a zombie didn’t start the fires, right? God damn idiots must be tring to burn them do death or something… haven’t they ever seen a zombie movie. Need to destroy the brain, sever the head somehow, or just place a bullet through the noggin. Blazing one of ‘em up is like saying, ‘please, set everything in the entire vicinity on fire. I’ll wait.’
Damn, I’m tired
Chapter 7: In which our hero makes a stupid decision
I feel a little queasy and I’m getting hungry. Usually would have had breakfast and lunch by now. Yeah, been a little preoccupied, I know. Think I’m gonna have to brave a run to the corner bodega for some vittles.
Wish me luck!
Yeah, I don’t know who I was trying to kid. When my neighbor’s buddy jumped me this morning, sure I got away, but not without few scrapes. I tried to tell myself that I skinned my knee on the concrete and maybe caught my arm a fence as I was fleeing, but what’s the point of bullshitting myself? I’m infected and I know it.
My street is quiet now, and when I got to the bodega it was empty. I grabbed a bunch of tender bits off the shelves and I was so hungry that I ripped open a few bags of chips and such and gorged myself on the spot. Here’s the thing though, no matter how much I ate, I stayed hungry.
Yeah, they got me. Fuckers!
I’m fairly certain in a few hours I’m gonna be playing for the other team, if you know what I mean. I’m gonna try and make a concerted effort to keep a log of my transformation, for scientific purposes.
– Obvious… soon to be Zombie.
How it was always meant to be
Yeah, I’m starting to crave flesh now. Let me tell you, it’s a very odd craving for someone who’s been Vegan for almost two years to suddenly have. Pretty sure that I’m not gonna be able to resist it for much longer. Feeling tired and cold, but otherwise content. Gonna go back downstairs to my condo and maybe play a few games of Endless Zombie Rampage… fuck it. I’m okay with the irony. You should be too.
Oh, while I was contemplating my inevitable demise, I put together a little zombie-related rundown for y’all.
Enjoy it while you still have the capacity to feel…