Ah, it’s that time of year again. Every year, there is that one season where things start to look up. This time of year is all about the awards. Voters for the Academy, Golden Globes, and MTV will be looking at all of these films that are released this year, and they will keep the films released around this time in mind.

Will this year be better than last year? Last year, we had Scorsese, Nolan, Cuaron, del Toro, Frears, Condon, Eastwood, Inarritu, Almodovar, Gibson, Zwick, Soderbergh, Field, and De Palma. This year, our line-up includes Taymor, Cronenberg, Lee, PTA, the Coen brothers, Baumbach, Scott, Farrelly brothers, Haggis, Mangold, Jordan, Penn, Anderson, and Forster. You decide which year is better.

In Part I of my two-part series, “The Rest of 2007 Movies – The Good, The Bad, and the Very F**king Ugly,” I showed you the movies that I am looking forward to. This time, however, are the ones that I don’t want to see, or the ones that look horrible. You will see me be a nasty bastard again, however, this won’t contain as many fucks as “Nil by Mouth” did or as many ass eaters as “Georgia Rule” had. Are you strapped in?

The Film That Will Interest Everyone Else but Me:

AUGUST RUSH

I remember seeing the trailer during The Simpsons Movie, and I didn’t understand why people all around me were tearing up. It looked… mediocre. The kid (Freddie-something from Finding Neverland) doesn’t really appeal to me. He’s just another one of those kids that should have stopped acting after his one big hit, because he will start acting in mainstream films. And that’s what he is doing now too. I also don’t understand the plot. After the trailer was over, I kept asking myself what it was about. Will I be seeing this over Thanksgiving break? Possibly a double with Hitman, but let’s hope that the next trailer makes the film seem a little bit better.

Director: Kirsten Sheridan
Cast: Freddie Highmore (that’s his name), Robin Williams, Keri Russell
Rated PG for some thematic elements, mild violence, and language
Release Date: November 21, 2007 (wide)

The Movie That Is Already Making My Groin Hurt:

MR. WOODCOCK

1. A kick in the balls.
2. Hit with a chair.
3. Trips and falls.
4. Loss of left testicle.

Yes that is ALL that Mr. Woodcock has, besides a tiny little plot surrounded around it, and that is if you are nice enough to call it a plot. I call it bullshit. Whatever happened to the days where Seann William Scott played Stifler and fucking became my hero, and when Billy Bob Thornton starred in quality flicks instead of starring next to Jon Heder and even having a bitch make him his bitch? They both lost a bit of talent since those days, but Mr. Woodcock is going to fuck them over. Look for whomever reviews this movie to curse more times than me, because I know I’m not wasting my four dollars on something with the word “cock” in the title. Actually Mr. Woodcock does sound like a porno, if you have a perverted mind…

Director: Craig Gillespie
Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Seann William Scott, Susan Sarandon
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content, thematic material, language, and a mild drug reference
Release Date: September 14, 2007 (wide)

The Reason Santa Clause Is Fake:

FRED CLAUS

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin

When I was younger, I saw Bad Santa (that was also when Billy Bob was one of my heroes), and I BELIEVED in the man that they called Santa Claus again. Well, it’s not that I did believe in him, but if he was real, I believed that he was an alcoholic slob with a foul mouth (woo, wonder how I learned that of him). It was hard enough to know that Tim Allen, or waste of spermicide, starred as a good Santa, but PAUL GIAMATTI?! THE SAME PAUL GIAMATTI FROM “CINDERELLA MAN”?! No fucking way. And to see that boring bastard with droopy eyelids that just happens to be named Vince Vaughn play his brother just makes me even madder. And to think children actually watch this crap. If I ever found out my child watched a film like this, I’d sit him down, tie him to a radiator, and make him watch Bad Santa twenty times, and then let him watch Jingle All The Way. Now THAT is a good children’s Christmas movie.

Director: David Dobkin
Cast: Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kathy Bates
Rated PG for mild language and some rude humor
Release Date: November 9, 2007 (wide)

The Highest Grossing Emo Movie Ever Besides Spider-Man 3:

WRISTCUTTERS: A LOVE STORY

WOO HOO! ANOTHER FUCKING EMO MOVIE! YOU GO HOLLYWOOD! When you corporate fuckers aren’t making money off of them damn remakes, you are making money from them Emo teens that you just feel like strangling and beating the shit out of. HEY! That’s one thing that I never thought of! I will march down the halls opening night and kick every single fucking Emo child in the face. Because if you don’t kick them in the face, they won’t stop. They finally might be able to take their own life so there would be one less Emo kid. This is probably the best idea Hollywood has come up with since… gawd, I can’t even remember.

But in all seriousness, this movie is gonna blow hard.

Director: Goran Dukic
Cast: Patrick Fugit, Shannyn Sossamon, Shea Whigham,Tom Waits, Will Arnett, Leslie Bibb, Sarah Roemer
Rated R for language and disturbing content involving suicide
Release Date: October 19, 2007 (limited)

Perfect Shit:

THE PERFECT HOLIDAY

What do I hate more than a movie that tries to tell kids that Santa is real?

A movie that tries to tell us that miracles really do come true on Christmas.

There’s a reason to all of this. When I was seven, I really wanted this bike. It was black and had flames all over it. My neighbor had a bike like it before me, and he got all the chicks. I said to myself that I wanted to get chicks, too. So I put that on my Christmas list, and… NO FUCKING BIKE ON CHRISTMAS DAY!

Although I did get a Nintendo 64. I was happy.

But that only goes to show ya. Miracles don’t happen. That means that this movie will be a piece of shit, even if it does have God’s brother from another mother, Charlie Murphy, the more talented brother of Eddie Murphy.

Director: Lance Rivera
Cast: Gabrielle Union, Terrence Howard, Queen Latifah
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: December 14, 2007 (wide)

The Sequel That Everyone Else My Age Will Like But I Will Hate:

SAW IV

Most of you guys know that I’m still a teen, and because I am a teen, I know people, who are, in fact, teens, believe it or not. The one thing that teens love more than remakes are horror films, especially the brutal ones that just happen to go under the torture porn sub-genre of horror. And if I hear one more person say how good Saw 3 was, I will kick their ass. Because all you fuckers are saying that they are good, they are making money! They are only going to come out with more sequels, and they are only gonna run out of ideas. My advice is to stop seeing them, but then again, I’m looking forward to Postal, so better not take advice from me.

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Cast: Tobin Bell, Lyrig Bent, Costas Mandylor
Not Yet Rated, but expect an R
Release Date: October 26, 2007 (wide)

The Film – HOLY SHIT THEY MADE SAW V:

PATHOLOGY

Woo woo wee woo. Here comes the money ambulance, and you fuckers are gonna pour your money into this one also! If this one does come out to be rated R, I won’t be surprised. It stars Milo Ventimiglia. I have had a good relationship with him on earth for a good time now, with him in Heroes and all. If he screws it up (which, I’m sure he will), it will truly hurt me and my relationship, therefore having to come to his house and unscrewing his lightbulbs, then sticking them up his arse. Nothing gets me more mad than when someone that I respect fucks me over (Jason Bateman just recently did it, and did you see the plate of ass I gave him?) That being said, I will be looking forward to giving Ventimiglia a fresh plate.

Director: Marc Schoelermann
Cast: Milo Ventimiglia, Alyssa Milano, Johnny Whitworth
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: November 30, 2007 (wide)

The Film That Begs the Question Why I’m Always Ridiculed When I Take My Lightsaber to the Movies for Protection from Fanboys:

MR. MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM

Before I start my little paragraph for this movie, yes, I take my lightsaber to movies. I don’t like taping my knuckles while watching the movie, so I need something else to help me, and the last time I shot a gun, I shot the wrong guy.

Going on, this Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium looks like a bigger piece of duke than Pathology. The reason I associate these two films is that they both have two of my favorite actors that just happen to star in shitty movies — Milo Ventimiglia in Pathology and Natalie Portman, Dustin Hoffman, and Jason Bateman (who I have already lost tons of respect for) in this piece of shit. Natalie Portman looks like a guy, Dustin Hoffman looks like a girl, and Jason Bateman looks like both. Is that supposed to be right? I don’t know, but I don’t wanna know. It looks like a piece of shit, and I’m steering clear away, at least until DVD.

Director: Zack Helm
Cast: Natalie Portman, Dustin Hoffman, Jason Bateman
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: November 16, 2007 (wide)

Woo! Paul Haggis!:

IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH

I’m going to admit, I do NOT want to see this movie. But goddamn, am I curious. There seems to be a lot of press around it, and I’m sure it’s going to win an Oscar (look at who’s directing it. It doesn’t look like it will be racist, and I don’t think there is any movie that deals with gays in it that is contending for Best Picture this year). If it does play near me, I’ll probably see it. That is, under three conditions:

1. Across the Universe promises. And it gives me what I fucking want.

2. Someone else admits that James Franco was the best part of Spider-Man 3, as well as Bruce Campbell’s 30-second cameo.

3. No one talks about it to me until it is released and I review it. I better not see it in the goddamn comments either.

Director: Paul Haggis
Cast: Tommy Lee Jones, Susan Sarandon, James Franco
Rated R for violent and disturbing content, language, and some sexuality/nudity
Release Date: September 14, 2007 (limited), September 21, 2007 (wide)

The Movie That Stars Dane Cook:

GOOD LUCK CHUCK

I know it pretty much explains itself. I used to like Employee of the Month. I originally gave it three out of four. That is until I watched Dane Cook’s standup special, and if this waste of sperm thinks he can make an ORIGINAL joke that can make me laugh in this film, it better be fucking worth it. Not only do I think he steals jokes, he uses my word “badass.” I’ll fuck his badass up.

Oh, and does he really have to explain every single goddamn detail of his jokes?

Okay, okay, I’m walking in this door. Rectangle door. Little window in the middle of it. I push the door open. It opens up for me. Just enough for me to fit. SHUT THE FUCK UP, DANE.

Look forward to Dr. Royce Clemens’ review of it. I know I am.

Director: Mark Helfrich
Cast: Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Dan Fogler (ooh lala. I think I just may have to see this one for myself).
Rated R for sequences of strong sexual content including crude dialogue, nudity, language, and some drug use
Release Date: September 21, 2007 (wide, and no, not Jessica Alba’s legs)

Why Did I Get Made?:

WHY DID I GET MARRIED?

When we don’t see Tyler Perry cross-dressing, we see him talking about how drugs and violence emerge onto our streets. There is obviously going to be a lot of this in this film, as there was in them damn Madea movies and Daddy’s Little Girls. And word of advice Perry, don’t keep going around making movies out of your plays. Do something that you can write that you didn’t write before. Stop making the same goddamn movie with different characters. Set it somewhere else than in Atlanta. Make a decent goddamn movie that doesn’t show us why violence and drugs are bad. If it turns out that it’s just another one of those movies, I will fucking flip. But if it isn’t, then I will shit.

Director: Tyler Perry (who else)
Cast: Tyler Perry (who else), Janet Jackson, Sharon Leal
Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual references, and language
Release Date: October 12, 2007 (wide)

The Newest Reason Why the Rock Should Go Back To Wrestling:

THE GAME PLAN

Did you guys see the trailer for this piece of shit? Well if you did, this movie needs no explaining. But if you didn’t, then I guess it does. Remember Vin Diesel in The Pacifier? Well, here is The Rock, just as badass as Diesel making as big a mistake as Diesel made. The Game Plan is just why Disney should do something else other than making action movie stars look like crap. Good job Disney. Go get hit by a truck, you cum-guzzling money grubbers! Am I allowed to say that?

Director: Andy Fickman
Cast: The Rock, Kyra Sedgwick, Roselyn Sanchez
Rated PG for some mild thematic elements
Release Date: September 28, 2007 (wide)

The Film That Will Cause Kevin Smith to Fall Into A Coma:

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS

Kevin Smith did an extraordinary thing for Jason Lee — he made the bastard a star. If it wasn’t for Smith, he wouldn’t be anyone. Even I like some of his films that no one else likes — Stealing Harvard, Big Trouble, Drawing Flies … but even this film gets my panties in a bunch. You can just tell by the trailer that this film will be terrible. Look what it has — three goddamn rodents that have the most annoying and screeching voices in the fucking world. Now who will pay to see that shit? Sorry Kevin, but even if you made Brodie one hell of a character, you just haven’t made Jason one hell of an actor.

Director: Tim Hill
Cast: Jason Lee, David Cross, Don Tiffany
Not Yet Rated
Release Date: December 14, 2007 (wide)

Say Hello To More Wasted Talent:

I COULD NEVER BE YOUR WOMAN

I have a bug up my ass when it comes to romantic comedies. Only a selected few seem to please me, and they only come about once a year. However, I already had my romantic comedy this year (Knocked Up), so I’m ready for next year. Good thing though, because I Could Never Be Your Woman totally wastes all of the talent that so many of these stars that we see in movies today have worked to get. There is Paul Rudd, who even starred in Knocked Up and is becoming a friggen A-list star. Michelle Pfeiffer, the woman who could never age, stars with Rudd, after her two big comebacks as villains. Then you even have Tracy Ullman. I’m sure that even YOU know that this film will be bad. And that’s why I’m standing clear away so I say nothing bad about those three. God only know how much I want to love these guys (and girls).

Director: Amy Heckerling
Cast: Michelle Pfeiffer, Paul Rudd, Tracy Ullman
Rated PG for sexual content and language
Release Date: November 9, 2007 (wide)

The WORST Film For The Rest Of 2007:

THE WATER HORSE: LEGEND OF THE DEEP

Question Sony … How do you make money off of The Water Horse? By saying that it is the same studio that brought you The Chronicles of Narnia, of course. Because all of those goddamn fantasy movies that had dragons (you know, the one released last year that had more references to Star Wars than Revenge of the Sith had) made so much goddamn money, we just have to make more money by producing this schlock. I will be riding away on my water horse when this film comes out Christmas Day to the nearest theater that is playing the real awesome film, Aliens vs. Predators: Requiem. Now, what do you Chronicles of Narnia fuckers have to say about that?

Director: Jay Russell
Cast: Brian Cox, Emily Watson, David Morrissey
Rated PG for mild action/violence, some language, and smoking
Release Date: December 25, 2007 (wide)

And so that is it for 2007. I have covered the good and the bad. The really fucking ugly is just what you will see on that new TMZ show coming soon, if you really wanted to know. Until then, read my future reviews and everyone else’s from Geeks of Doom, and may the Hardcore Film Maniac wish you a good rest of 2007.