To make a long story short…

I reviewed the twentieth anniversary DVD of Hellraiser for Fatally-Yours.com because, well, it’s been twenty years and I hadn’t seen the Goddamn thing. I didn’t like it and, as I am wont to do, said so, and quite loudly.

The response in a circle or two was not kind, calling me “delusional” and claiming that I “didn’t get it.” This was so entertaining that I reviewed the second one, Hellhound: Hellraiser II, with largely similar results. People I didn’t talk to a whole lot started leaving me messages and some dude who knows the WRITER of the second one left a comment on my MySpace blog, it’s all just fuckin’ weird. I just wanted to review ONE movie, and I got sucked into a world of horrible dialogue and S & M posing.

One of those attentive readers was Dave, one of my editor at Geeks of Doom, who is also a die hard Clive Barker fan. He wanted me to tear something he calls Hellraiser IV: Pins In Space a new asshole. I told him I couldn’t do this without seeing the third one, to which he consented to post on GoD.

Being as I’m in for penny after penny at this point (and there being a remake on the horizon), I might as well be in for the whole pound. Which is why, in partnership with both Fatally-Yours and Geeks of Doom, I am both pleased and sickened to announce The Hellraiser Project. Why stop at just reviewing the four that went to theaters, when I can do the ones that went to video as well? I’ll be switching back and forth from site to site, leaving my depressed little movie droppings when it comes to this franchise.

This isn’t just a whole bunch of movie reviews… Well, actually it is, but it’s more than that. You are very likely to see a film critic buckle under the weight of his own deteriorating sanity. What keeps critics going is hope. Hope that no matter how bad a movie is, the NEXT one will be good. It most likely isn’t, but it’s the small morsel wishful thinking that keeps us going.

But there is no hope here.

So if you’ve liked the manner in which I’ve filleted bad movies up to this point, you might want to be tuning in to both sites in the next few weeks. And if I come off as an irascible blowhard who doesn’t like horror movies and talks out of my ass, then you shall get some measure of revenge through my suffering.

And I end this as I will end all of these Hellraiser posts. I’ve reviewed two so far, so I’ll provide a simple box score. For those of you keeping track at home…

GOOD’UNS-0

SHITTY’UNS-2

Pray for me, boys and girls. It’s gonna be a long month. There are SIX MORE of these damn things…