Before anyone asks, “Haz-Mat” is short for “Hazardous Materials.” This means anything from radioactive waste to enriched uranium cores used to make atomic bombs. One must wear a Haz-Mat suit to work with such deadly substances, much like my colleague in theoretical physics Dr. Gordon Freeman did in Half-Life and Half-Life 2.
And it is in honor of Dr. Freeman, The One Free Man, He Who Killed Head-Crabs For Your Sins, that I devote the fourth Wednesday of every month in my Doom Dispatch column towards “Haz-Mat Theater.”
Haz-Mat Theater is basically the Bizarro-World version of Masterpiece Theatre, in that I will review, for your reading pleasure, the worst of the worst in terms of motion picture entertainment.
But I will not pick the films to review… No, that will be your job.
Yes, shoot me an email at and I will review the shit out of what YOU think are some of the worst movies ever made. And I promise each and every one of you that I shall regard these films with the same tact, decorum, and level-headed grace that I display towards Dane Cook and Eli Roth.
If, however, you are curious as to what I think is the absolute worst film ever made, well, I already wrote that review for another site. It’s tedious, it’s annoying, by God it’s Home Made!
I have three rules for your recommendation to even be considered…
1. IT MUST BE NETFLIX ACCESSIBLE
I’m not risking going to Blockbuster for this column. Have you seen the people who go there? There are never any women and when there are, they’re followed by a fleet of chubby, retarded offspring. Everyone’s fat, they all wear black, the stench of lowered expectations waft through the air. It’s like a match.com mixer.
2. NO PORN
While I would probably watch Ranch Dressing Holes 54 if you asked me to, I’d want to go back and watch the other fifty-three, just to see how those characters got there. And then I’d never get anything done.
3. NO BOLL
I could make fun of his movies in my sleep, and I am not encouraging that douchebag. Because I signed the petition to get rid of that diseased rectal polyp, I know I shall enter heaven.
Once I get your entries, I shall choose the only democratic way I know. Eenie-Meenie-Mynie-Moe, that’s how.
Yes, I shall act as your own personal reverse-cinematic Statue of Liberty. Give me your cheap, your atrocious, your boring, your bland, your motion picture travesties and I WILL BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM!
And why?
Because you’re reading this. That makes you less sucky than the others.
