Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf, Cate Blanchett, Ray Winstone, Karen Allen, John Hurt
Rated PG-13
Paramount Pictures
Release Date: May 22, 2008

I think this is the most heartbreaking review I’ve ever had to write, because I just came back from seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and I didn’t love it.

When the news of a fourth Indiana Jones film was announced, there was no one happier than me. I’ve been a great fan of the franchise since I was in elementary school and my Dad took me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark; when Temple of Doom came out, my best friend and I spent every weekend seeing it at the local movie theater; when The Last Crusade came out, I recall sitting in the back on the floor at the over-sold showing on opening night and loving every minute of it. I’m one of those people who’ve lamented the lack of Indiana Jones offerings in the past decade and a half. I LOVE Indiana Jones.

Which is why I thought, without a doubt, that Crystal Skull would become my new favorite movie. But while I was watching the film, I found myself scoffing. Me, the person who still has her Temple of Doom trading cards; me, the vegan who went to Burger King to get Indiana Jones toys; me, the adult who eats her sugary cereal with a small plastic light-up Indiana Jones spoon … Me, I was scoffing at an Indiana Jones film. That’s just tragic.

Admittedly, I went into this viewing the same as I did for Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace — as a life-long fanatic with very high hopes. But one lesson I’ve learned from my Menace experience is to not let my want and nostalgia for a beloved franchise fool me into thinking I love the latest installment. I had missed the Star Wars universe so badly back then that I felt like any drop more I was given was something to cherish; then I got Menace on DVD and realized what a bad movie it was. I won’t say Crystal Skull is a bad movie — I might even like it a little better after more than one viewing, but my first impression is that the filmmakers just didn’t get this one right.

Was it Harrison Ford‘s advanced age? Hell, no, Ford is perfectly capable of still playing the action-adventurer. His physical scenes where he engages in fisticuffs, whip wielding, and truck hopping are just like we remember. No, neither Ford nor Indy are too old for this. The problem is that in this tale, which takes place 21 years after Raiders, we’re told of some of Indy’s continuing adventures since we last saw him in Last Crusade and we see that he’s obviously still active, yet his demeanor is so much more calm now. Perhaps the filmmakers sought to show how Indy’s mellowed over the years, but it just doesn’t make sense in relation to what we know about him. When we see him at Marshall College, where he has tenure as an archaeology professor, he barely has a pulse and he’s made to look like an old man. Why? Later in the film, he actually looks younger — and better groomed! Why is he made to look haggard and scruffy with gray stubble when he’s in professor mode, yet have a clean-shaven, more youthful appearance in the jungles of Peru?

And what brings Indy back to the Peruvian jungle? A quest for the Crystal Skull, of course, though this time, he’s being pursued by the Soviets during the Red Scare of the 1950s. Unfortunately, as far as villains go, the Soviets aren’t as badass as the Nazis from Raiders and nowhere near as frightening as Doom‘s Thuggee cult leader Mola Ram. But Cate Blanchett proves to be capable of pulling off action scenes nicely (too bad her Russian accent needed some work) as Irina Spalko, the head of the Soviet forces, who’ve kidnapped Indy’s old friend and colleague Harold Oxley (John Hurt). A young greaser kid named Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) approaches Indy for help, saying that his mom “Mary” has also been abducted by the Soviets. In exchange for the hostages, Spalko wants the Crystal Skull, which contains mysterious powers, so Indy and Mutt set off to find the long-lost Skull.

Of course Mary turns out to be Indy’s old flame Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) and all these years later, the couple still has that strong chemistry that made them so enjoyable to watch in Raiders. They do get a lot of screen time together and make an even better team this second time around. Seeing her now as a mom takes a little getting used to, but watching her and Indy interact with Mutt was great fun. LaBeouf is probably Indy’s best sidekick so far, and I can see why producer George Lucas possibly wants to continue the franchise with LaBeouf as the star. Say what you will about this young actor, there’s no denying that he has star power and action-hero chops. Whether he necessarily has to take over the Indiana Jones series is another argument, but not because he’s incapable, but rather because when someone goes to see an Indiana Jones movie, they’re going for Harrison Ford as Indy. Without that, it’s NOT an Indiana Jones movie.

I’m not going to go into detail about the Crystal Skull, mainly because I wasn’t too satisfied with its back story and resolution (which just screams George Lucas), but also because I don’t want to spoil any part of the hunt for it, which is filled with clues and puzzles to decipher, along with the obligatory booby traps — oh, and a super dramatic climax.

Like every Indiana Jones film there’s always a creepy crawly to be dealt with. In Raiders it was snakes, Doom had a variety of bugs, and Crusade had rats. Again, I don’t want to spoil it, so I won’t say what Skull has, but I will say, I liked this segment a lot. Actually, I liked all of the action sequences, which yes, at times, were pretty over the top and outrageous, but that’s expected … and accepted. What I had trouble with mainly was the dialogue — not the expected scholarly or scientific parts (which, you’d better pay attention to or you’ll be totally lost), but the simple banter between characters. It was as if the actors were trying too hard to either sound tough or sarcastic, but it just didn’t come out right — they just didn’t nail the lines. I can’t really blame them completely, as the script sometimes was awkward. Also, it seems like maybe the best takes weren’t used. There’s this one scene that was perfectly executed in the trailer, but when I saw it in the film, it fell flat; it’s the part where Mutt is shocked the first time he sees Indy, whom he thought was just an old professor, doing some ass kicking. In disbelief, Mutt asks, “You’re a teacher?” to which Indy replies, “Part time.” The dialogue is the same from the trailer, but you can tell it was a different — and less effective — take.

Like I said, Crystal Skull isn’t a bad movie, but it is flawed. Perhaps if it wasn’t the dream team of Lucas, Ford, and director Steven Spielberg driving the film, it’d have sat better with me. I didn’t hate Crystal Skull, and over time, I’m sure I’ll probably come to enjoy it more, but for a movie with such high expectations, it should have provided a better first-showing experience.