Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots with Drag Me To Hell, which opened in theaters today.

Spoiler Talk is usually reserved for a spoiler-filled discussion about a movie — and we’ll get to a little bit of that later — but for this edition, allow me to focus on the true spoiler of Drag Me To Hell — the American teenage audience. That’s right, I made the dreadful mistake of going to a 7:30pm Friday showing of this PG-13 horror flick, so I got the special viewing complete with running commentary, texting, and cellphone lighting.

The beauty of a Raimi horror film is that there’s suspense, there’s tension… you’re on the edge of your seat the whole time. You know something is going to go “bump” in the night, yet when it happens, you’re startled nonetheless. Well, all of that is lost when Vinnie Stunad and his buddies NEVER STOP TALKING through the entire movie. God forbid there’s a split-second of silence, these hormone-raging ADHD morons just HAVE TO say something, anything, doesn’t matter what it is, if it makes sense, etc. When they’re not adding their retarded (yeah, I said it) commentary to the film itself, they’re trying to explain what happened in the movie to their equally moronic girlfriends who weren’t paying attention because they were busy texting.

I tweeted about it (AFTER the movie) and a bunch of people are responding that their experience tonight was the same as mine, which really sucks. This didn’t happen for Raimi’s Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness, both of which are Rated R — see the difference? If only Raimi had thrown in a few “fucks” and maybe a boob shot, none of this would have happened. But, considering I was one of five adults at my showing, you have to wonder, who would have gone to see this movie if not the teens? If it had been Rated R, would those adults who apparently know better than me have come out of hiding to see it on opening night? Hmm… I wonder how it was at the Up showing.

Ok, so let’s make believe I actually got to hear every word of this movie: What did I think? I LOVED IT! I’m a big fan of the Evil Dead movies and while I understand that Raimi needs to earn a living too (hence, the Spider-Man franchise), I can’t help but desperately want him to keep at what he’s best at — horror.

In the film, Alison Lohman plays Christine Brown, a loan office tasked with making the choice whether to give an sick old woman (Lorna Raver) an extension on her mortgage loan so she won’t lose her home. Going against her conscience in an effort to get a promotion at the bank, the meek young Christine rejects the old woman’s request. In a rage at being denied and shamed, the old Mrs. Ganush puts a curse upon Christine that will … yup, you guessed it … drag her to Hell; yes, right down into Hell, fiery pits and all. With only a few days before her soul is consumed, Christine must find a way to break the curse and save herself.

Likes:

– My favorite sequence in the film is, without a doubt, the one where Christine fights off Mrs. Ganush’s attack in the car in the parking garage.
– Christine digging up Mrs. Ganush’s grave.
– Alison Lohman in general.
– Mrs. Ganush, though she scared the hell out of me, she was one awesome character.
– The gross-outs: Christine’s projectile nosebleed; Mrs. Ganush constantly mouthing Christine; basically, all of the gross crap Christine had to endure.

Dislikes:

– The kitten sacrifice [no, no, no!].
– Justin Long. He was so damn unlikable in this movie and I always like him. Stick to being funny, Justin.
– The thought of working at a bank.
– How easily Christine accepted that she was in fact cursed and how even easier it was apparently to find the right people willing to help her break that curse.

Well, there’s my initial thoughts; I’ll probably have to see the film again (perhaps a morning showing?) when I’m not so thoroughly annoyed in order to discuss it at length. Plus, we have our official review of the film coming real soon, so be on the lookout for that.

Now let’s hear I’d rather hear what you guys have to say.

What did you think of Drag Me To Hell? Should Sam Raimi keep on making horror or turn his attention back to superhero films? How was your theater-going experience?