I can think of no better way to commemorate Labor Day weekend then by seeing a movie about an American on vacation in Italy being contracted to do someone’s dirty work; a Mexican on a mission in Arizona being contracted to do someone’s dirty work; or a long distance romantic comedy… about a couple being contracted to do someone’s dirty work (please let it be about that).

Well, I have no doubt what I’m going to be seeing this weekend. Here’s a hint: Tom Savini is in it. What about you?

The three big movies of the week are: The American, Going the Distance, and Machete.

The American: In Focus Features’ answer to Eat Pray Love, while summering up in the quaint Italian countryside little Georgie from The Facts of Life befriends a priest and has a steamy affair with a luscious local lady. Ahh, a tale of a mature man in the Autumn of his years reflecting on his past and searching for the meaning of it all. Oh yeah, did I mention he’s also an ASSASSIN? And, he’s building a secret weapon for some shadowy figure? – George Clooney – in theaters as of Wed 9/1

Going the Distance: Hey, a romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore. Finally! I’ve been waiting for her to do a romcom forever! And it also stars Justin “I’m a Mac” Long, who is currently Drew’s real-life beau. That is SOOO CUTE! You can watch the movie without even having to PRETEND they’re in love. I know, right. Kitschiness aside, I appreciate both Long and Barrymore’s comedic chops and I’m sure they’ll do just fine keeping you distracted for the 109 minutes it takes… wait… that’s kinda long for a romcom. Good luck with that. – Justin Long and Drew Barrymore

Machete: Okay. As far as I’m concerned the real question here should have been “What movie will you go see when you try to get tickets for Machete and they’re all sold out?” Machete is a movie based on one of the four fake movie trailers that were included in the theatrical release of the Tarantino/Rodriguez joint Grindehouse. It was by far the most believable of the, what was it, four? Let’s say four… of the four trailers. I’m just gonna list the cast now and let it hang there for a second…. Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, and motherfuckin TOM SAVINI!!!! Hello! Hellacious, bloody violence, bodacious babes, tongue-in-cheek action, DON JOHNSON! If you knowingly put money toward the two other movies before Machete, I am forced to believe you hate being entertained.

Which of these movies is on your radar? Or maybe you’d rather see a previously released movie? Or maybe you’d rather stay home? Let us know in the comments section here below.