Each and every one us has seen many sights that take up permanent residence in our minds, memories so horrible and traumatic we would do anything short of self-lobotomy to remove them forever. Walking in on your parents having sex, having to take your beloved ailing family pet to the veterinarian to have them put to sleep, getting bullied by your classmates in elementary school, the list goes on (and that is just my list).
Today I think we all have a new horrible memory to add to that list as the trailer for Scary Movie 5 has been released. You can watch the trailer here below, but if you decide not to no one here will think less of you.
The latest sequel no one asked for in the franchise that should have died over a decade ago was primarily made for two reasons, both of which can be seen in the photo header at the top of this article. Walking tabloid goldmines Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan have extended cameos in this so-called movie and the trailer probably just showcased their entire scene. Therefore it is no longer necessary for you pop culture masochists to waste that precious money you earned mopping the floors at your neighborhood Target to even bother with this one. But if you insist on doing so, be my guess. The Scary Movie…uh, movies have always been dependent upon parodying the biggest hit genre movies of the day, so this time around we get a plot that slovenly rips on the Oscar-winner Black Swan and the mega-successful Paranormal Activity franchise, neither of which I have yet to see.
Since Anna Faris, the star of the first four movies, went out and got an actual career in the seven years between the release of Scary Movies 4 and 5 director Malcolm E. Lee and writers David Zucker and Pat Proft had to shape their creative efforts to best suit the monolithic talents of…Simon Rex, Ashley Tisdale, Heather Locklear, and stand-up comedian Katt Williams. While I have always enjoyed Williams’ vocal performance as A Pimp Named Slickback on the Adult Swim classic The Boondocks his presence in the trailer does nothing to engage my interest for Scary Movie 5. Of course as Williams appears to be the only black man in the cast the filmmakers just had to have him playing a character who pretends to be a psychic just so he can rob the white folks blind. Is that social progress or what? Locklear has done more than her fair share of complete crap in the past but the heavily-Botoxed former TV icon has clearly seen better days as her character’s big scene in this trailer has her giving birth while dancing in a ballet recital. Something tells me she wishes she was still back on the set on The Return of Swamp Thing after voluntarily appearing in this surefire fiasco.
Despite being a franchise built by the Wayans brothers and shepherded by the comedy geniuses who gave the world Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie (to name but a horrible few) there has never been a lack of actual comic talent in front of and behind the cameras in the Scary Movie series. They were usually just wasted pathetically in the name of lobbing rancid spitballs at cultural targets that were way past their sell-by date. For the love of God, David Zucker and Pat Proft – two of the men responsible for such comedy classics as Airplane! and The Naked Gun – wrote this movie! How the mighty have fallen. It is almost depressing enough to make a viewing of Schindler’s List seem like an uplifting alternative.
One more thing: the “this tube goes in your mouth and this one goes in your rectum” joke was stolen verbatim from Mike Judge’s woefully underrated 2006 comedy Idiocracy. That is an unforgivable offense in my book. Maybe Scary Movie 6 will simply be called Ass. That is the direction it is heading in at this point and I honestly can not imagine it being any less entertaining than Sheen getting rammed in the crotch repeatedly while Lohan pokes fun at her own failed career. I have seen better film on a bowl of cold soup.
We survived the Mayan apocalypse…for this?!
Scary Movie 5 opens on April 12, 2013. Now if you’ll excuse, but I am going to take a power drill to my skull.