Moon Knight. Marvel’s hooded man in white isn’t exactly stable. In fact, he is officially insane. He is also officially a Jew. Turning his back on his rabbi father to slaughter people as a solider of fortune, Marc Spector ended up being a multiple personality suffering insufferable a-hole generally disliked by the hero community.

But we love him! And Hanukkah! And presents!

In honor of the festival of lights, we are taking a trip down Moon Knight’s crazy memory lane, recapping eight of his more awkward and completely bat-shit insane moments. Moments so crazy, they will get him denied from the dreidel party with The Thing and Shadowcat (both Jewish!).

Pa-Tooey!

Superheroes are supposed to the very picture of class, never to raise an offensive gesture and keep a cool composure. However, Moon Knight isn’t a superhero — he’s a vigilante psycho! When the nefarious Nimrod Strange (yep, that was Marvel in the early 80s) kidnapped Moony’s squeeze Marlene and tried to take over the world, he laid a beating that would go unmatched for some time. Finally cornering Strange, now going by Arsenal with a weird Mega Man suit, on a sea liner in New York harbor Moon Knight had him finally defeated. After taking back his woman, Moony lifted up his mask and hocked a loogey right onto Strange’s face! He immediately apologized to Marlene for his lapse in judgment, but man, it was well deserved.

Frenchie Was a Better Pilot

After mounting the comeback of the century, Spector was a little wobbly after getting his ass handed to him by Taskmaster. With his flyboy Frenchie laying comatose in a hospital bed, it was up to Spector to strap in and fly himself into battle. Going after The Committee for sending Tasky after him, he made one hell of an entrance. Instead of swinging in through the window or something normal like that, Moony flew his copter right through their skyscraper office! The jury is still out on whether he meant to do that or if he just that shitty of a pilot.

Facelift

Some dudes like to demoralize their enemies after they defeat them. Usually it’s a “Ha ha, you suck!” or some other kind of silly insult. With Moon Knight, that was far too pussy for him. After tumbling off a building fighting his nemesis Bushman, both warriors lay broken and bloody. After dropping Bushman with a few crescent darts to the throat, Moony offered a final sacrifice to his god Khonshu — Bushman’s f#$#ing face! Presenting it to the sky, the moonbeams bathed his prize in sweet vengeance.

Eat It, Cap!

Who on Earth has the sand to talk shit to Captain America? Well, Hawkeye maybe. But also Moon Knight! During the Civil War, Cap got word of Moon Knight’s bloody comeback trail and decided to pay him a visit. Spector was quick to tell Cap to stuff it, and that he didn’t want anything to do with the superhero war, even going so far to call Cap a “self-righteous son of a bitch” and that he and Tony Stark should get a room. Cap, ever the gentlemen, warns Spector to stay out it and that he would see to it that his hero days are permanently over. After what he said to Cap, TO HIS FACE, Moon Knight may have a white costume but his balls are made of rock.

Date with Doom

Moon Knight calls it like he sees it. He thinks you’re up to no good, he’ll beat you half to death. Apparently, that includes Dr. Doom. When Doom made a visit to New York to do some evil dealings, Moon Knight decided that he didn’t like the thought of that Euro-trash hanging out in his city without prosecution. Strapping on some adamantium armor, Moon Knight used his long expired Avengers ID card to enter the Latverian embassy to pick a fight with Doom. Many, many men have fallen victim to Doom’s brutal rule, but Moon Knight actually went looking for it. Moony got permanently kicked out of the Avengers for good for his abuse of power, but he basically told them to suck it anyway.

Scarlet, I Just Don’t Give a Damn

When Moony returned home to Grant Mansion after a long night of crime fighting, he always found his lady love Marlene sitting on the bed in lingerie just waiting to service him. Sounds pretty awesome, right? So why the F%CK would you leave that behind to meander with a crossbow toting woman who killed her own son and used to be a nun? Well, Moon Knight felt that was the way to go. Finally needing to settle things with Stained Glass Scarlet, the woman he couldn’t save from years before, he met her on a Manhattan bridge for a loving kiss. Scarlet, far crazier than Moony ever was, felt the need to plunge a knife in his back and toss him into the deep. Love hurts, as they say. Marlene took him back, but come on!

Touched By a God of Vengeance

Down and out, Spector was a broken man. No friends, no woman, and only a fleeting memory of his heroic past. Unable to walk and living in his own filth and shadows, he was a man at his end. The only thing keeping him from pulling the trigger was the thing that put it all in motion in the first place — Khonshu. Appearing to him as his faceless enemy Bushman, Khonshu provided the tough love to motivate Spector to put on the jet and silver one more time. Is Khonshu really visiting his most loyal priest or is it another sliver of Spector’s psychosis? Who knows! Dude is nuts!

Lookin’ Good!

Things were finally looking up for “˜ol MK. He was kicking bad guys’ asses half to death every night, he was settling old scores, and found himself in the loving arms of Marlene once again. It seemed as if everything was working out. And then Moon Knight had to do the craziest thing to date. After a night of lovemaking, Marlene heads to the bathroom to freshen up. There she finds Marc Spector, all alone, WEARING BUSHMAN’S FACE LIKE A F@%CKING MASK. Marlene reviles in fear and disgust, and Marc doesn’t see what the big deal is. True crazy people think everyone else has a problem. Great job, Moony! You are the craziest SOB in the Marvel U!

Happy Hanukkah!