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I, Lobot: A Day In The Life of Lando Calrissian’s Assistant
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The Insomniac   |  
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Week of Geek: The Empire Strikes Back 30th Anniversary

I, LobotWe all know the story so well: The young scrappy boy who shares an intimate kiss with his sister before going to learn ‘magic’ from a muppet in a swamp, the space princess sexually assaulted by a drug smuggler in a broom closet, the back-stabbing Colt .45 pitchman, and of course the reunion with the estranged father who then maims his son.

But what of the unsung heroes of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, the little people who charge the blasters, reset the flyers, and get shot down by the AT-ATs?

Ladies and gentleman, here’s a peek at a day in the life of Lobot, Lando Calrissian’s faithful assistant on Cloud City.

6:30 a.m: Wake up, unplug head from charger.

6:45 a.m: Yoga, Tai Chi, and Rhythmic Gymnastics.

7:15 a.m: Hop in the shower and shave face, shave head, brush teeth, and buff headset.

7:45 a.m: Download Mr. Calrissian’s itinerary, new episodes of Lost, and the newest album by Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes.

7:55 a.m: Escort the hos out of Mr. Calrissian’s room and offer them the usual settlement package.

Lando Calrissian and Lobot subdue Stormtroopers

8:00 a.m: Wake up Mr. Calrissian.

8:30 a.m: Mr. Calrissian’s personal training session (tae bo, schvitz and massage).

9:00 a.m: Trim Mr. Calrissian’s hair and mustache.

9:30 a.m: Lead the union talks with Oompa-Loompas to serve as gas mining workers.

10:30 a.m: Feed Oompa-Loompas into an incinerator. Hire Ugnaughts instead.

11:00 a.m: Order new boob-shaped aircrafts to replace out-of-date penis- and ass-shaped aircraft.

12:00 p.m: “Me Time.”

Lobot Me Time

1:00 p.m: Prepare Mr. Calrissian’s lunch of braised wampa chops and fresh Dagobah tomatoes.

1:30 p.m: Pick up Mr. Calrissian’s formal capes, evening wear capes, and lying around the house capes from the dry cleaners.

1:45 p.m: Organize Mr. Calrissian’s sexual harassment lawsuits into one lump sum settlement.

2:30 p.m: Pull Mr. Calrissian away from the Sabacc table before he loses Cloud City.

3:00 p.m: Destroy the evidence of another child falling into the carbonite freezing unit.

Lando Calrissian and Lobot witness the carbonite freezing of Han Solo

4:00 p.m: Interview new candidates for security personnel position. Set up barn door for the marksmanship test.

5:00 p.m: Supervise the cleaning of Cloud City’s bottomless pit and its labyrinth of white tunnels.

6:00 p.m: Prepare Mr. Calrissian’s dinner of stewed sarlacc burgers. Crack open his Colt 45. (I’m not saying that he can’t have a good time without Colt 45, but I’m saying why take the chance?)

7:00 p.m: Lay out Mr. Calrissian’s evening cape and escort fresh batch of hos from the landing pad to Mr. Calrissian’s chambers.

Lando Calrissian and Lobot greet Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa

9:00 p.m: Watch new Lost.

10:00 p.m: Plug head into charger and go to bed.

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