We all know the story so well: The young scrappy boy who shares an intimate kiss with his sister before going to learn ‘magic’ from a muppet in a swamp, the space princess sexually assaulted by a drug smuggler in a broom closet, the back-stabbing Colt .45 pitchman, and of course the reunion with the estranged father who then maims his son.
But what of the unsung heroes of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, the little people who charge the blasters, reset the flyers, and get shot down by the AT-ATs?
Ladies and gentleman, here’s a peek at a day in the life of Lobot, Lando Calrissian’s faithful assistant on Cloud City.
6:30 a.m: Wake up, unplug head from charger.
6:45 a.m: Yoga, Tai Chi, and Rhythmic Gymnastics.
7:15 a.m: Hop in the shower and shave face, shave head, brush teeth, and buff headset.
7:45 a.m: Download Mr. Calrissian’s itinerary, new episodes of Lost, and the newest album by Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes.
7:55 a.m: Escort the hos out of Mr. Calrissian’s room and offer them the usual settlement package.
8:00 a.m: Wake up Mr. Calrissian.
8:30 a.m: Mr. Calrissian’s personal training session (tae bo, schvitz and massage).
9:00 a.m: Trim Mr. Calrissian’s hair and mustache.
9:30 a.m: Lead the union talks with Oompa-Loompas to serve as gas mining workers.
10:30 a.m: Feed Oompa-Loompas into an incinerator. Hire Ugnaughts instead.
11:00 a.m: Order new boob-shaped aircrafts to replace out-of-date penis- and ass-shaped aircraft.
12:00 p.m: “Me Time.”
1:00 p.m: Prepare Mr. Calrissian’s lunch of braised wampa chops and fresh Dagobah tomatoes.
1:30 p.m: Pick up Mr. Calrissian’s formal capes, evening wear capes, and lying around the house capes from the dry cleaners.
1:45 p.m: Organize Mr. Calrissian’s sexual harassment lawsuits into one lump sum settlement.
2:30 p.m: Pull Mr. Calrissian away from the Sabacc table before he loses Cloud City.
3:00 p.m: Destroy the evidence of another child falling into the carbonite freezing unit.
4:00 p.m: Interview new candidates for security personnel position. Set up barn door for the marksmanship test.
5:00 p.m: Supervise the cleaning of Cloud City’s bottomless pit and its labyrinth of white tunnels.
6:00 p.m: Prepare Mr. Calrissian’s dinner of stewed sarlacc burgers. Crack open his Colt 45. (I’m not saying that he can’t have a good time without Colt 45, but I’m saying why take the chance?)
7:00 p.m: Lay out Mr. Calrissian’s evening cape and escort fresh batch of hos from the landing pad to Mr. Calrissian’s chambers.
9:00 p.m: Watch new Lost.
10:00 p.m: Plug head into charger and go to bed.