I used to love the Sci-Fi Channel before it turned to the dark side forever when it was renamed SyFy and devoted the vast majority of its airtime to turgid reality programming and cheesy “original” movies like Dinocroc and Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus. The network became more of a machine, twisted… AND EVIL! But every so often one of those made-for-SyFy flicks delivers some first-rate entertainment on the order of the best in modern bad cinema. It looks like the network’s latest killer fish offering Jersey Shore Shark Attack will be continuing that fine tradition in grand style.
You can watch the movie’s trailer here below.
Directed and written by a bunch of folks you couldn’t care less about, Jersey Shore Shark Attack is partially based on a real-life series of shark attacks that plagued New Jersey’s scenic coast in 1916, but only uses that history as a garnish for the movie’s main attraction – namely, dollar bin CGI sharks hungering for the spray-tanned flesh of Jagermeister-soaked guidos and guidettes. The shark of the title looks more like the monster from Troma’s Killer Condom if it were enlarged and rendered with the kind of computerized visual effects that would be too primitive for a Super Nintendo video game cut scene circa 1994.
Yeah it’s another low-rent Jaws rip-off, only this time the makers of the movie mashed that hoary concept up with a rip on the unfathomably popular MTV show Jersey Shore. But in the world of Jersey Shore Shark Attack the very vacuous muscleheads and party gals we supposed intellectual superiors take great pleasure in mocking whenever their names are mentioned – or at least their SyFy counterparts – are all that can save many Garden State vacationers from becoming gory bits of chunkhead chum. Plus their version of Snooki is way hotter than the real thing. That alone might make this movie worth a single watch.
One-man exploitation assembly line Fred Olen Ray, the director of such priceless B-movie epics as Hollywood Chainsaw Massacre and Armed Response (in addition to numerous Skinemax T&A flicks), produced Jersey Shore Shark Attack and managed to get a few name actors to sign on for some shameless slumming – Paul Sorvino (Goodfellas), William Atherton (Die Hard), Tony Sirico (The Sopranos), and even former N’Sync member Joey Fatone in the role he was born to play….himself, getting eaten by the shark. Actual Jersey Shore cast member Vinny Guadagnino is also on hand playing a news reporter. Okay then.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack premieres on Saturday June 9, 2012 at 9 p.m. I’m already working on the sequel, Pauly Shore Shark Attack.