The scariest thing for any nerd/geek/fanatic for anything relating to entertainment is the looming darkness of what we call, “SPOILERS.” Spoilers are a terrifying thing that can take away all of the excitement in a simple phrase – “No, I am your father,” “Bruce Willis was dead THE ENTIRE TIME!” “Superman is Clark Kent,” all of these phrases have struck terror into our hearts, because after we searched our hearts, we knew them to be true.
This article, however, consists of nothing that is true. This is a list of fake spoilers. So, are you ready for Top 20 Fake Spoilers For The Dark Knight Rises!? Woo boy!
1. Batman marries Catwoman, gets arrested for bestiality.
2. Bane is an allegory for Mitt Romney and Batman is George W. Bush, in fact Romney is the actor behind the mask, while George H.W. Bush plays Alfred.
3. Alfred is Bruce’s father: search your feelings, you know it to be true.
4. At the end of The Dark Knight Rises, the Anti-Monitor shows up to destroy the Earth and then inadvertently creates 52 new worlds where everything is basically the same, except for the costumes.
5. After the credits roll, Batman, Catwoman, Bane, Alfred, and Tim Drake share coffee together at Dunkin Donuts. Coffee.
6. Bruce Wayne leaves the superhero business and joins the fashion industry and becomes a mogul by designing bat-themed purses.
7. Lex Luthor tells Batman that he’s the villain of this story.
8. It was a dream in the head of an 10-year-old boy named Damian.
9. Gotham City is inside a snowglobe.
10. Gotham City is actually Chicago and Batman is actually Bob Newhart.
11. It was Batman’s brother THE WHOLE TIME!
12. It was Batman’s childhood friend THE WHOLE TIME!
13. Batman wishes he had Catwoman, but Catwoman is dating Jessie. A love triangle ensues. Batman becomes a one hit wonder when he writes a song about this series of events.
14. Batman gets super powers, destroys Gotham City, himself.
15. Batman throws on some Kryptonite gloves and picks a fight with the fascist Superman.
16. In soviet Russia, crime solves Batman.
17. Halfway through the credits, Darkseid shows up and talks about Anti-Life. No one in the audience understands.
18. Acting as a true hero, Batman solves the economic crisis, Bane develops “life-Piracy.”
19. Catwoman is actually Batman’s mother. Batman changes name to Bat-Oedipus.
20. Batman writes his secret identity on his arm, but forgets. Goes crazy wondering who “Bruce Wayne” is and why he’s after Batman. Batman winds up spending his days locked in a hotel room.
If you enjoyed that, I’m glad. If you didn’t, I greatly apologize, but I’m only one man and I’m tired and need another coffee, and this is just something I wanted to whip up before I go see the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises. I’m really excited. And while I doubt (I hope) that none of the above ends up happening in the movie, I’m sure we’ll see a whole lot about this movie to love.