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Obama Turns Heel At Inauguration; Hits Biden With A Pedigree
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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HeelObama Obama Trump Inauguration

In a shocking turn of events, beloved outgoing President Barack Obama turned heel today at the inauguration. He hit long-time friend and ally Vice-President Joe Biden with his Pedigree finisher before grabbing a mic.

The outgoing POTUS told the crowd to “stick it” and said “he was sick of trying to impress the fans.” Obama said, “All you people do is make me sick. Well, suck it, America.”

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Holiday Geek Gift Guide 2016: Cat Lovers
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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Holiday Cat Lovers Gift Guide 2016

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and Black Friday left us — more or less — free from torrents of blood running red in our streets. As we move beyond the shopping hell that launched the holiday season, we can now focus on what it’s all about — giving people cool stuff. And while Christmas might have other meanings, that isn’t what this article is about. So without further ado, I’d like to list a couple of my personal suggestions to make the holidays substantially more holly jolly — especially if you have a cat… well, only if you have a cat, actually.

Here’s the 2016 Holiday Geek Gift Guide for Cat Lovers…

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Drunken Game Review: Schmovie
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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Schmovie

Getting trashed and playing board games with other 20- and 30-something-year-olds is my favorite part of adulthood. It’s really difficult to have a bad game night when friends, fun, and alcohol are involved – but it can happen. Luckily for me, I just played Schmovie, and with a game like that, there’s no chance for a bad night.

This is a pun-tastic romp focusing on creating movie titles from two random cards and a genre. Anything from like a romantic comedy about a two-timing ninja. Or a horror movie about a renegade Easter Bunny. The possibilities are only limited by how clever you are.

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A Definitive Guide To Obscure Action Movie Directors
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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Guide to Obscure Action Movie Directors

Movies are a business with many moving parts, and like Devastator, each part plays a key role. Whether it be producers (quasi-creatives and money guys), actors (dramatic, non-camera-shy guys and gals), gaffers (light guys), production assistants (beasts of burden), or even best boys (I make movies and still have no fucking idea), like a defective Jenga set – one bad piece can forever destroy a solid project. Like any good mafia crime family, there’s gotta be a boss; and at the head of the filmmaking hierarchy sits the director.

Directors are the president of the movie. Like a good dictator, they can make the final decision. When things go good and the movie rocks, they get to take all the praise. When things go bad, they’re either publicly mocked or have the option to pussy out and take a Smithee.

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‘Batman vs. Superman’ Adds Gorilla Grodd, Lobo, Zatana & More; The Rock Up For All Roles
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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Batman vs. Superman

Not content with just a World’s Finest storyline, DC and Legendary Pictures have announced the additions of even more characters to the already overpopulated Man Of Steel sequel, tentatively titled Batman vs. Superman.

The list, consisting of Captain Marvel, Martian Manhunter, Lobo, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, Guy Gardner, Supergirl, Zatana, and Gorilla Grodd, is sure to be met with mixed emotions from fans.

Director Zach Snyder stated, “I mean, we already have Batman and Wonder Woman on board. So I was thinking that if we get these other guys in here too, we can skip making a whole bunch of movies and just go into Justice League next year. I mean, you know who these guys are from the comics. You don’t need a whole movie per guy. Why carry your eggs in several baskets when you just cram ’em all into one really awesome basket?”

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AMC Announces ‘Breaking Bad’ Spin-Off ‘Can’t Fool Huell’
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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huell money breaking bad

In a surprising announcement today, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan announced yet another spin-off to the meth-powered adventures of Walt and Jesse. Going with the working title Can’t Fool Huell, the show will follow in the footsteps of the yet-to-air Better Call Saul, which stars everyone’s favorite sleaze-ball lawyer character Saul Goodman.

Gilligan stated, “Logically it makes sense. I mean, we want to tell good stories and there are hundreds left to tell in this universe. We anticipate Better Call Saul to be just as big as Breaking Bad, so we’re looking for something to be just as big as that.” The show is slated to feature former Goodman flunky Huell Babineaux in a post-Breaking Bad world – in contrast to the prequel that is Better Call Saul.

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The World Wide Web Is 25 and It Still Lives With Its Parents
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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World Wide Web

25 years ago today, Al Gore had a dream; a dream in which people could look at photos of cats, find weird pornography anonymously, and directly tell every member of Metallica that they illegally downloaded their music and then call them a collective bag of dicks. OK – fine. That didn’t happen (well it kind of did).

But the Internet is officially 25 years old today. The creation of Tim Berners-Lee has blossomed into the most amazing invention since gravity or Chuck Norris Action Jeans.

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Tony Hawk Hoverboard Is Funny Or Die Hoax; Hopes Of ’80s Children Everywhere Crushed
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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Back to the Future II Hoverboard

The future is here! Or maybe it isn’t. Guys, seriously, is the future here or not?

A major announcement shook the pillars of the Interweb recently. HUVr Tech announced through a new celebrity-fueled campaign that they have a fully functional hoverboard. No seriously. A fucking hoverboard! Like, Back To The Future II-style hoverboard.

Now the bad news…it’s all apparently been an elaborate prank by Funny Or Die. Continue reading for more.

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Interview: Diamond Dallas Page Talks ‘Shark Tank,’ DDP Yoga, Weight Loss, and Wrestling
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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DDP Yoga header

Diamond Dallas Page is one of the toughest guys to ever lace up a pair of boots and step into a wrestling ring. An underdog champion in the truest sense, Page is the kind of guy who makes the best of any situation and rises to the top of whatever industry he’s a part of.

A former WCW/WWE champion on multiple occasions, Page started wrestling at the ripe age of 35 and didn’t hit his prime until the age of 40. He was winning matches when wrestling was at its peak – back during the now-famous Monday Night Wars. Nowadays, he’s revolutionizing another industry. Yoga. Yoga? Really? Oh hell yes really. DDP has taken a timeless practice and added in his own personal flair and, by doing so, he’s developed a literally life-saving workout.

I had the opportunity to chat with DDP following his appearance on Shark Tank.

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A Definitive Guide To Obscure Action Movie Heroes
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VanDyke Brown   |  @   |  
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Guide to Obscure Action Movie Heroes

I’ve been watching a lot of shitty movies lately. An unhealthy dose of action movies and horror movies of a less than stellar nature is probably more accurate. Slowly but surely I’ve come to realize that if the sentiment of a “hero is defined by their villains” is true (which I firmly believe), then the inverse is just as important. For every Billy Drago and Bruce Payne, there has to be a force of equal of greater value (I believe that’s science, but I was an English and Film major). Now let’s face it, Chuck Norris can’t be everywhere (I know, I know, blasphemy). And when Norris is tied up with terrorists, and Bronson, Eastwood, Van Damme, Stallone, and Schwarzenegger are in Vietnam or on the mean streets of gang ridden NYC or Los Angeles, someone has to be around to answer the call of justice.

It might be the hero’s sidekick that gets thrusted into the spotlight. Occasionally it’s a random athlete who wants to try their hand at saving America. And every now and then it’s the hero’s less astute relative, usually a brother or son, who wants to stand up for the red, white, and blue – or just win an underground karate tournament. Regardless of the circumstance the best thing about action movies is that SOMEONE is there to kick the shit out of anti-American interests.

To keep a similar theme with my Definitive Guide to Obscure Action Movie Villains, I’m forming another crack team of recruits in line with The Expendables. This time, it’s the lesser known heroes of genre cinema. A group I’d like to call The Indispensables (patent pending).

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